He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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