don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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