this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
