If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
