If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
