This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
