his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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