Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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