Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
