I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
