I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
