I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
