She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
