Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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