i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
