the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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