I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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