So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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