Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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