i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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