dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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