My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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