Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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