Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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