It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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