I murdered the dance floor call the cops
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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