cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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