Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Are my feet made of real feet?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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