just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
