i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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