I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
