Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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