I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
