jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
