I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
