Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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