Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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