The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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