I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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