She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
