I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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