You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
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Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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