Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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