i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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