omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
