Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
