I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
