My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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