I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
