guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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