i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
