Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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