Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
