I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
