i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Randomize
